To have a child evaluated or not? That is often the question at this time of year, when it may become apparent that a child's test and report card grades are not reflecting his/her intelligence, ability or potential. The child doesn't seem to be grasping material, or s/he doesn't seem to stay focused on information long enough to absorb it. Alternatively, the child may do the work only to lose it or forget to hand it in on time.
Sometimes, there is a clear explanation, especially if this is not a typical scenario for the child. Perhaps the adjustment to a new grade or school is taking more time than anticipated. Or, perhaps an event or a difficult transition at home is the reason. Children's grades can decline when a parent is laid off, deployed in the military, or first separated from a spouse, for example. Often, though, lower than expected school performance is a pattern that has surfaced previously. Some parents have heard the same concerns from teachers before. Others find that despite numerous discussions -- both calm and heated -- with their children, the puzzling results don't change, or at least not in any lasting way. The right strategy to address the problem seems elusive.
So, the question arises: Should the child be evaluated? The biggest reservation parents seem to have is that their child will be labelled. Does s/he have a learning disability, an attention difficulty or a processing weakness? It's certainly hard to consider that one's child may have to deal with something beyond the parent's ability to change or fix.
Yet, consider the "side effects" of not getting an evaluation and of not identifying a problem that does exist. The child will be labelled, alternatively as "lazy," "dumb," or "rude." The child is then faced with adults' blame and frustration on an ongoing basis. Motivation and self-esteen can plummet. For the child, the information that s/he may have a learning disability, for example, can be a tremendous relief. It's not that s/he is stupid; adults can recognize that the child IS trying to learn.
Most importantly, the child, parent and teacher now have a basis for successful strategies and interventions. For the first time, the strategies will be targeting the underlying cause. As a result, they will have a real chance of making an impact.
December 6, 2010
October 18, 2010
Easing Parent-Child Homework Conflict
It's that time of year. School is in full swing, as are homework assignments, projects and tests. As pressure increases, conflicts between parents and children can intensify too. In this entry, I'd like to offer one strategy to deal with this challenge: Consider your child's working style. Will the idea of "getting it over with" motivate your child? Perhaps getting the "worst done first" will convince him/her to tackle the hardest assignment early in the process.
For some students, however, this approach will only increase the child's tendency to avoid homework. If you notice that the most difficult part of homework for your child is getting started, have him/her start with the task that is easiest to approach. This will be the assignment that the child is least likely to avoid. Once the process gets going, it can be much easier to ride the momentum started by a simple worksheet, for example.
Keep in mind that your approach may not work best for your child's studying style. You may prefer to tackle the "worst first," while your child may have trouble getting started and may need to start with the least stressful task. Help you child figure out what works for him/her.
Another question to have your child consider when doing homework is: What do I feel like I could do best right now? Is it a task involving problem solving like math or science? Is it reading a book or writing an essay? Or, perhaps they feel up to memorizing information from a social studies/history class. These tasks all require different types of thinking and varying degrees of focus. Help your child tune into where s/he feels most able to be productive at a given moment in time. Otherwise, it's easy to waste time and get frustrated attempting a task that one "should" do, but doesn't necessarily have the available energy to do.
According to an article that appeared in the Science Times (9/8/10) called “Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits,” Benedict Carey writes: "In recent years, cognitive scientists have shown that a few simple techniques can reliably improve what matters most: how much a student learns from studying. For instance, instead of sticking to one study location, simply alternating the room where a person studies improves retention. So does studying distinct but related skills or concepts in one sitting, rather than focusing intensely on a single thing." So, when studying for a test, one should vary how and where the material is learned. I've known students to sing facts as they learn them. Some like to walk around while they think or say information aloud.
Finally, if students are becoming anxious about tests or grades, show them how little one grade matters in the course of time. It can even be a fun way to demonstrate the concept of averages. If you have nine grades ranging from 76 - 82 with an average or 79 (C+), even a failing grade of 60 will only change the average by 2 points to 77 (still a C+)! It helps to keep the big picture in perspective - for both your child and yourself.
For some students, however, this approach will only increase the child's tendency to avoid homework. If you notice that the most difficult part of homework for your child is getting started, have him/her start with the task that is easiest to approach. This will be the assignment that the child is least likely to avoid. Once the process gets going, it can be much easier to ride the momentum started by a simple worksheet, for example.
Keep in mind that your approach may not work best for your child's studying style. You may prefer to tackle the "worst first," while your child may have trouble getting started and may need to start with the least stressful task. Help you child figure out what works for him/her.
Another question to have your child consider when doing homework is: What do I feel like I could do best right now? Is it a task involving problem solving like math or science? Is it reading a book or writing an essay? Or, perhaps they feel up to memorizing information from a social studies/history class. These tasks all require different types of thinking and varying degrees of focus. Help your child tune into where s/he feels most able to be productive at a given moment in time. Otherwise, it's easy to waste time and get frustrated attempting a task that one "should" do, but doesn't necessarily have the available energy to do.
According to an article that appeared in the Science Times (9/8/10) called “Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits,” Benedict Carey writes: "In recent years, cognitive scientists have shown that a few simple techniques can reliably improve what matters most: how much a student learns from studying. For instance, instead of sticking to one study location, simply alternating the room where a person studies improves retention. So does studying distinct but related skills or concepts in one sitting, rather than focusing intensely on a single thing." So, when studying for a test, one should vary how and where the material is learned. I've known students to sing facts as they learn them. Some like to walk around while they think or say information aloud.
Finally, if students are becoming anxious about tests or grades, show them how little one grade matters in the course of time. It can even be a fun way to demonstrate the concept of averages. If you have nine grades ranging from 76 - 82 with an average or 79 (C+), even a failing grade of 60 will only change the average by 2 points to 77 (still a C+)! It helps to keep the big picture in perspective - for both your child and yourself.
July 18, 2010
To Get Angry or Not To Get Angry (Part Two)
Let's look at additional instances when anger will not be sufficient to improve a child's behavior. If a child is having difficulty making a change, despite motivation to do so, a parent may feel helpless to make an impact. This frustration can lead to anger. The child may respond to this anger by becoming increasingly self-critical in a way that lowers self-worth. The focus should remain the behavior, not the child's sense of being a valued person.
There can be multiple reasons why a child may have difficulty changing behavior. Anxiety, for example, can lead a child to engage in habits or have reactions that seem irrational. Children who have certain learning disabilities may lack specific skills and behave inappropriately in social situations. Others with attention deficit issues may have good intentions but lack the impulse control to avoid behaviors that are problematic.
In these cases, and others like them, a parent's anger will be unlikely to improve the situation. In fact, children may eventually lose motivation to work on the behavior if they feel that, despite their efforts, the parent continues to be angry. Understanding a child's difficulties, in these situations, enables the parent to feel more empathy and patience.
If a child cannot meet our expectations, it's important to re-examine the expectations. Sometimes, they be can recast as goals to work toward rather than expected, immediate outcomes. Working with your child to help him/her meet these goals can both increase motivation and enhance the parent-child relationship.
There can be multiple reasons why a child may have difficulty changing behavior. Anxiety, for example, can lead a child to engage in habits or have reactions that seem irrational. Children who have certain learning disabilities may lack specific skills and behave inappropriately in social situations. Others with attention deficit issues may have good intentions but lack the impulse control to avoid behaviors that are problematic.
In these cases, and others like them, a parent's anger will be unlikely to improve the situation. In fact, children may eventually lose motivation to work on the behavior if they feel that, despite their efforts, the parent continues to be angry. Understanding a child's difficulties, in these situations, enables the parent to feel more empathy and patience.
If a child cannot meet our expectations, it's important to re-examine the expectations. Sometimes, they be can recast as goals to work toward rather than expected, immediate outcomes. Working with your child to help him/her meet these goals can both increase motivation and enhance the parent-child relationship.
To Get Angry or Not To Get Angry (Part One)
One of the prime triggers of parental guilt or self-doubt is anger. We may wonder if we become angry too quickly or too vehemently. We may question whether we should have more patience or whether we should express anger at all. We may wonder how we become so angry, particularly if we realize that our children have "pushed our buttons."
Certainly, if physical, verbal or emotional abuse accompanies anger, professional intervention is needed. In this entry, I will address anger that does not fall into this category. For all of us, there are times when our frustration outweighs our patience. We're human. Here's the good news: Not all anger is bad for our children. In fact, there are times that a parent's controlled expression of anger or displeasure teaches something valuable.
Let's look at some examples. When young children repeatedly grab things, push or hit others, a parent's anger may show children that they've crossed a line. Calmly explaining that these behaviors are not acceptable is a great approach if these behaviors are new, or if a young child is in a new stage of development. But, if no change follows, expressing anger in a firm tone of voice lets children know that their action causes a reaction. Saying "no hitting" with an angry look accomplishes this as well.
Conveying anger differs significantly from exploding with rage; screaming signal a loss of parental self-control. I'm a firm believer in apologizing to children as a way to model handling mistakes. If you lose control of your anger often, seek help.
There are times when anger, while inevitable, may be neither helpful nor instructive. Anger is typically ineffective when we want our kids to do something like clean a room or spend time on homework. Even if our frustration is justified and follows repeated requests, our child is unlikely to be motivated to increase cooperation in the future in the face of our anger alone. In these situations, the preferred strategy is to intervene early before our frustration spills over. After a first or second request is ignored, the parent can calmly set a limit, such as no computer time until the room is cleaned. Our anger often follows instances when we are trying too hard to be patient and give too many chances, Inadverntently, we create too many opportunities for our own frustration to build.
Certainly, if physical, verbal or emotional abuse accompanies anger, professional intervention is needed. In this entry, I will address anger that does not fall into this category. For all of us, there are times when our frustration outweighs our patience. We're human. Here's the good news: Not all anger is bad for our children. In fact, there are times that a parent's controlled expression of anger or displeasure teaches something valuable.
Let's look at some examples. When young children repeatedly grab things, push or hit others, a parent's anger may show children that they've crossed a line. Calmly explaining that these behaviors are not acceptable is a great approach if these behaviors are new, or if a young child is in a new stage of development. But, if no change follows, expressing anger in a firm tone of voice lets children know that their action causes a reaction. Saying "no hitting" with an angry look accomplishes this as well.
Conveying anger differs significantly from exploding with rage; screaming signal a loss of parental self-control. I'm a firm believer in apologizing to children as a way to model handling mistakes. If you lose control of your anger often, seek help.
There are times when anger, while inevitable, may be neither helpful nor instructive. Anger is typically ineffective when we want our kids to do something like clean a room or spend time on homework. Even if our frustration is justified and follows repeated requests, our child is unlikely to be motivated to increase cooperation in the future in the face of our anger alone. In these situations, the preferred strategy is to intervene early before our frustration spills over. After a first or second request is ignored, the parent can calmly set a limit, such as no computer time until the room is cleaned. Our anger often follows instances when we are trying too hard to be patient and give too many chances, Inadverntently, we create too many opportunities for our own frustration to build.
May 4, 2010
Tweens and Cyberbullying
While parents of high-school students may bemoan the amount of time that their teens spend texting or on sites like Facebook, parents of middle schoolers may be even more concerned. The cyberbullying that is happening to tweens can have a frightening impact on their mental health. An emotionally devastating event that can barely be handled by a stable 16 year-old may be enough to overwhelm a 12 year-old who lacks the same level of coping skills.
Peers at this age, too, are more likely to pile on and echo destructive comments online. One of my 8th grade clients recently explained two new phenomena. The first, sending a text bomb, can jam someone's phone for hours with a repetitive message than can be sent thousands of times. I don't think that this is what parents had in mind when they purchased an "unlimited" plan.
The second is even more troubling. On a social-networking site called Formspring, members ask and answer questions about one another. This site allows anyone to post comments about anyone else anonymously. Yes, unlike Facebook, this site allows kids to literally hit and run with no need to identify themselves. For those of us who remember "slam books," this takes the humiliation to a new level. Parents of young children, tweens and young teens might want to cut and paste this link to a recent CNN video to see what's being done by one middle school principal: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/04/30/principal.facebook.ban/index.html?hpt=Sbin
Parents who are first buying their pre-teen child a cellphone may want to make the purchase contingent on the child's acceptance that the parent may periodically check texts. At the very least, take a look at these sites and "friend" your tween or teen on Facebook.
Peers at this age, too, are more likely to pile on and echo destructive comments online. One of my 8th grade clients recently explained two new phenomena. The first, sending a text bomb, can jam someone's phone for hours with a repetitive message than can be sent thousands of times. I don't think that this is what parents had in mind when they purchased an "unlimited" plan.
The second is even more troubling. On a social-networking site called Formspring, members ask and answer questions about one another. This site allows anyone to post comments about anyone else anonymously. Yes, unlike Facebook, this site allows kids to literally hit and run with no need to identify themselves. For those of us who remember "slam books," this takes the humiliation to a new level. Parents of young children, tweens and young teens might want to cut and paste this link to a recent CNN video to see what's being done by one middle school principal: http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/04/30/principal.facebook.ban/index.html?hpt=Sbin
Parents who are first buying their pre-teen child a cellphone may want to make the purchase contingent on the child's acceptance that the parent may periodically check texts. At the very least, take a look at these sites and "friend" your tween or teen on Facebook.
March 1, 2010
The Emotionally Sensitive Child - Raising "Intense" Children (Part Four)
The final overexcitability discussed by Dabrowski was the emotional. He felt that this one was central; it is often the one noticed first. These are the children who are extremely sensitive, have intense emotions, form strong attachments and may be intensely empathic. Others often see them as "overreacting." The challenges here arise because the intensity of emotions can be problematic. These children can be susceptible to "meltdowns," emotional extremes, anxiety, guilt and feelings of inadequacy. They take things hard and can become lonely or depressed. They can have trouble adjusting to change and have a need for security.
Our role as teachers with intensely emotional kids is crucial to their ability to develop a sense of emotional well-being. We can help them learn how to calm themselves when they become upset. Rather than just telling them to Calm Down, we can help them discover what works for them. We can teach them - once we understand it a bit ourselves - what seems to set them off and how to cope. What are their warning signs? Do they get a certain feeling in their stomach or do they start talking faster? Are they more likely to get upset on Sunday nights? They can learn coping strategies like exercise, listening to music, going outside to play or read, or just talking about what's on their minds. Even using simple strategies like these can show children that they have the ability to make an impact on their own emotional states.
The hardest thing for parents when their children have these "overreactions" is to resist the temptation to just tell them to stop feeling what they are feeling. Obviously, you probably want to leave a public place if your child is having a meltdown. And, of course, the goal is for the child to develop the capacity for more self-control. But, it takes time and skill building for this to happen. It doesn't work to tell them to just ignore something that upsets them or to suggest that they just not let it bother them. They would if they could, for the most part. They can't. They feel how they feel. The question is what to do with those feelings. The more someone tries to talk them out of what they feel, the more tightly they will hold onto the feeling. We need to accept their feelings, even when we think they are being melodramatic. That doesn't mean we agree with the logic, but rather that we listen and empathize. We try to understand why they feel the way they do. Only then can we help them gain a sense of calm. Eventually, they become better at understanding their own emotional reactions too. Through interactions with us, they also learn to calm themselves. It's easy to share their intense delight and rejoice in their joy. But, that same validation is needed when the feelings are less positive.
A final strategy to keep in mind when parenting intensely emotional children is to help them develop ways to prevent stress. Don't overschedule, learn your limits (and theirs), and take time for fun and relaxation. Silliness is a great antidote to intensity - as long as the timing is right.
Our role as teachers with intensely emotional kids is crucial to their ability to develop a sense of emotional well-being. We can help them learn how to calm themselves when they become upset. Rather than just telling them to Calm Down, we can help them discover what works for them. We can teach them - once we understand it a bit ourselves - what seems to set them off and how to cope. What are their warning signs? Do they get a certain feeling in their stomach or do they start talking faster? Are they more likely to get upset on Sunday nights? They can learn coping strategies like exercise, listening to music, going outside to play or read, or just talking about what's on their minds. Even using simple strategies like these can show children that they have the ability to make an impact on their own emotional states.
The hardest thing for parents when their children have these "overreactions" is to resist the temptation to just tell them to stop feeling what they are feeling. Obviously, you probably want to leave a public place if your child is having a meltdown. And, of course, the goal is for the child to develop the capacity for more self-control. But, it takes time and skill building for this to happen. It doesn't work to tell them to just ignore something that upsets them or to suggest that they just not let it bother them. They would if they could, for the most part. They can't. They feel how they feel. The question is what to do with those feelings. The more someone tries to talk them out of what they feel, the more tightly they will hold onto the feeling. We need to accept their feelings, even when we think they are being melodramatic. That doesn't mean we agree with the logic, but rather that we listen and empathize. We try to understand why they feel the way they do. Only then can we help them gain a sense of calm. Eventually, they become better at understanding their own emotional reactions too. Through interactions with us, they also learn to calm themselves. It's easy to share their intense delight and rejoice in their joy. But, that same validation is needed when the feelings are less positive.
A final strategy to keep in mind when parenting intensely emotional children is to help them develop ways to prevent stress. Don't overschedule, learn your limits (and theirs), and take time for fun and relaxation. Silliness is a great antidote to intensity - as long as the timing is right.
February 21, 2010
The Dreamers and The Daydreamers - Raising "Intense" Children (Part Three)
For the dreamers, daydreamers and poets among our children, the world of the imagination is their area of intensity. A child with the overexcitability called the imaginational will be extremely creative, have a good sense of humor, a strong ability to visualize and love fantasy.
The challenge arises when what is happening in their imaginations pulls them away from what is going on externally. The story that they are writing in their minds is probably much more compelling than the parent asking something of them. These kids may be distractible and have trouble staying tuned in during class unless they are engaged and interested. They may meet the criteria for the inattentive type of attention deficit disorder. Finishing schoolwork or completing tasks can be a problem when children's own ideas send them off on tangents. Their imaginations can also lead them to visualize worst case scenarios, so that they may become anxious about things that are unlikely to happen. These are the kids who may interpret a headache as a brain tumor.
With young kids, it's important to make sure that they can distinguish reality from fantasy when they get to the age when their peers are doing so. To help them cope with schoolwork that might not be engaging their imagination, you can help them develop strategies that make it more interesting when possible. For example, one student made up a song to remember the capitals of the South American countries. Another asked her teacher if she could write a fictional story with her vocabulary words. For those who are artistically gifted, it's important to give them time to indulge their inspirations. Let them go to sleep five minutes later if they really "need" to write down an idea for a story. A digital voice recorder can be helpful for them to use to keep track of all their ideas. Empathize with the difficulty of having to put their imaginings aside to have a conversation about the day's schedule or memorize information that they find uninteresting. The more patient and empathic you can be (and perfection isn't the goal. We all have our limits!), the more understood your child will feel, and the more cooperative s/he will be in the long run.
(Readers can post comments with name only. No URL needed.)
The challenge arises when what is happening in their imaginations pulls them away from what is going on externally. The story that they are writing in their minds is probably much more compelling than the parent asking something of them. These kids may be distractible and have trouble staying tuned in during class unless they are engaged and interested. They may meet the criteria for the inattentive type of attention deficit disorder. Finishing schoolwork or completing tasks can be a problem when children's own ideas send them off on tangents. Their imaginations can also lead them to visualize worst case scenarios, so that they may become anxious about things that are unlikely to happen. These are the kids who may interpret a headache as a brain tumor.
With young kids, it's important to make sure that they can distinguish reality from fantasy when they get to the age when their peers are doing so. To help them cope with schoolwork that might not be engaging their imagination, you can help them develop strategies that make it more interesting when possible. For example, one student made up a song to remember the capitals of the South American countries. Another asked her teacher if she could write a fictional story with her vocabulary words. For those who are artistically gifted, it's important to give them time to indulge their inspirations. Let them go to sleep five minutes later if they really "need" to write down an idea for a story. A digital voice recorder can be helpful for them to use to keep track of all their ideas. Empathize with the difficulty of having to put their imaginings aside to have a conversation about the day's schedule or memorize information that they find uninteresting. The more patient and empathic you can be (and perfection isn't the goal. We all have our limits!), the more understood your child will feel, and the more cooperative s/he will be in the long run.
(Readers can post comments with name only. No URL needed.)
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