School's Out

It’s that time of year again. The weather is warmer, the flowers have bloomed, and the sun sets later in the evening. It’s the time when children begin to anticipate the end of the school year – or perhaps they have already finished the year. It should be the height of excitement. So… why are they so moody?

It’s easy to comprehend why a graduating 18 year-old might feel a swirling mix of emotions. Making the transition to the next phase can be daunting, and melancholy about leaving long-time friends is understandable. We can even grasp why it might be difficult to leave middle school or junior high and anticipate starting high school – especially as the pressure about college admissions is seeping down to younger and younger teens. And maybe, we can fathom how a student could be nervous about leaving a beloved elementary school, as they worry about changing classrooms or managing the increased demands of middle school. But, what could possibly explain the roller coaster of emotions of a kindergarten student anticipating first grade, or even, a preschooler going to kindergarten? Clearly, there must be more to it than meets the eye!

It may be hard to appreciate, but even preschoolers sense that these “graduations” are big deals. Teachers may begin cautioning students as early as January that “Next year, you’ll be expected to do…” or “This is ok for now, but your teacher next year won’t accept…” Scary words indeed. Rather the interpreting the message as: “We expect you to rise to the occasion and know you’ll be capable of doing so”, students may hear: “The stakes are being raised, and you won’t be able to meet expectations.” For a four year-old, the thought might translate as: “I’m supposed to act like a big kid, but I don’t feel like one.” And hence, the moods or the meltdowns happen. It’s the child’s way, at any age, of saying: “I don’t want to be in a place where I won’t be ok, I want to stay in this familiar, comfortable place where I am.”

The key for parents is to help their children voice any apprehensions about growing up and about the stage to come. While we may know that such anxieties are felt by all of us at one time or another, our children may think it’s just them. For younger children, we can give them a more realistic sense of the scope of the actual changes that await them and help them generate ideas for how to face these changes. It can be as simple as walking through a new school before the year starts or talking to a peer who is a year ahead. Children need to know that they are competent and capable of handling the next step.

Most of all, children need to understand the idea that they won’t be going from childhood to independence in one step or in one year. Explaining the changes as incremental (in age-appropriate terms) can be invaluable. Otherwise, they can feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from under them. Older children can be reminded that there really wasn’t a big change from the last day of being eight years old to the first day of being nine. In fact, children who are sensitive to these transition times can anticipate birthdays with some degree of apprehension for precisely this reason. They think that the transition will be night and day and that they will go from being little to being big in an all-or-nothing way.

The end of the year is an exciting time. Still, children often need help understanding and articulating the mixed feelings they may have about this time of change. And, after all, who among us still can’t relate to that?

The "Out-of-the-Box" Child

Do you have an "out-of-the-box" child or adolescent? Do the typical, recommended parenting strategies seem to fizzle in your house? Do you notice that there's just something out-of-sync about your child when you look at a group of your child's peers? Think about what you, as parents, were like as children. If grandparents are alive to ask, find out if any of these qualities were present in you when you were young. Heredity can often play a role and hold a key in understanding the child.

Here are some of the factors that often underlie this difference:

1) Creativity -- Some highly creative children see the world differently. They may find it more challenging to put aside their ideas to make time for handwriting practice or spelling lists. Memorization may feel unbearably tedious. They may answer questions without wanting to show their work in math, because they arrive at answers in non-traditional ways. One highly creative student answered the question: "How are the two hands of a clock different? not by mentioning their length, but by joking: "They have no fingers." Make sure your creative child has outlets, whether in visual or performing arts, music, writing stories or even just having time for imaginary play.

 2) Intelligence -- While there is often an overlap between creativity and intelligence, some highly intelligent students have unique qualities unrelated to creativity itself. Some years, your child may have a teacher flexible enough to adapt to the child's needs. At other times, spending a lot of time on what s/he has already mastered can fuel frustration that comes out at home. Very bright children may worry about issues, like global warming or human mortality, that they are not yet emotionally equipped to handle. Here, parents can provide age-appropriate enrichment activities as well as act as advocates for their children with the school.

3) Temperament -- Some children seem to have been born slower to warm up or more difficult to calm and soothe. It seems to be in their "wiring." They need time to get comfortable in a new situation, rather than joining right in like their peers. They seem to be more cautious and fearful and/or less adventurous than others. They may have sensory sensitivities and react to loud noises or itchy fabrics. The key here is to know your child. Sometimes, all they need is some extra time to adjust or a chance to make their own choices when possible. Help your child develop flexibility a little bit at a time and understand his/her own sensitivities. If they worry a lot, help them think through what is likely to happen and what is highly unlikely. Remind them of times in the past when things turned out well despite their worries.

4) Learning Differences -- These may go unidentified and cause tremendous frustration in the child and the adults who may be trying to understand. Reading, writing and math learning disabilities can masquerade as laziness or defiance when the child seeks to avoid areas of difficulty. Motivation can plummet when the child is criticized for mistakes s/her can't help. Sometimes, identifying an auditory or visual processing disability can provide a framework for understanding the child's struggles. When schoolwork or homework seems more difficult than it should be, given the child's apparent intelligence, speak to the school and seek an evaluation. In many cases, this will be provided at no cost to the family.

5) Attention Difficulties -- These issues are often misunderstood to mean an inability to pay attention. In fact, children with ADHD struggle with regulating their attention and being able to pay attention on a consistent basis. They may become completely absorbed in activities they enjoy and not notice what's happening around them. This "hyperfocus" can center on a hobby or a computer screen. It can be hard to get the child to disengage at these times. Yet, at others, the child can't finish an assignment without becoming distracted repeatedly. Girls with these difficulties may not be noticed "spacing out" in class until they miss the teacher's instructions or forget assignments. Children and teens with attention issues often have trouble regulating their emotions as well. Their neurological development takes longer, and they may have "meltdowns" at ages well past when their peers have stopped having such outbursts. For parents, understanding the sources of these behaviors can be invaluable. Parenting strategies that empathize with the child while helping him/her learn coping skills are key here. It is critical not to blame children for what they can't help. At the same time, they need support while their skills develop. This support may include accommodations in the classroom.

An essential part of parenting an "out-of-the-box" child or adolescent is to seek out support for yourself. Find and talk to other parents whose kids may seem similar. Read about the issues involved so that you feel less isolated. Stay away from judgmental people as much as possible. Such individuals may blame your parenting for your child's wiring. With any of the factors above, whether they are strengths or challenges, consider seeking professional help if the difficulties that arise become significant. And, remember that your child is not the only one in the parent-child relationship who is worthy of time and care.

The Example We Set

As parents, we often think about how to respond to our children -- what to say or what to do when our children behave in a particular way. We usually see parenting as something actively directed to give children suggestions, correction or guidance. Despite our knowledge of the axiom: "Actions speak louder than words," we tend to notice our children's actions or our own responses to them more than the actions we take in our other relationships.

We often forget to tune into the examples we set in how we speak with each other and how we treat ourselves. It can be a humbling moment when we see something in our children that we've inadvertently taught them by example. The way in which spouses speak to each other affects how children speak to their parents. It may also color the picture children get of long-term relationships or marriage. Do you criticize your spouse in the presence of your children? I don't mean disagree; I'm referring to criticizing, putting down, or talking down to in some way. The unspoken message can be: You idiot, why did you do/say or not do/say that? If this happens often, kids may start talking to the parent in this disrespectful manner. If we expect children to treat us with respect, we need to model the same kindness in our interactions with them and with each other. How many of us model the type of relationship we'd like to see for our children? Do we treat our spouses in a loving manner, or are we too busy and preoccupided to go beyond the to-do list?

Another aspect to consider is how we treat ourselves. Are we really hard on ourselves when we make a mistake? Are we unwilling to admit we're wrong and apologize? Are we always insisting that things go our way? Or, do we give up our position as soon as the other person seems anything less than thrilled? Do we even say what we want? Are we trying so hard to be "nice" that our children never see us expressing a preference? Is that what we want for them? Do we take care of ourselves or parent in a way that leads us to feel depleted? The comments of one teenager brought home the degree to which parents can seem like martyrs, whether they intend to or not: "I'm not sure I want to have kids. My mom doesn't have much of her own life, and I don't know if I'd like that." Sobering words indeed!

To Evaluate or Not To Evaluate

To have a child evaluated or not? That is often the question at this time of year, when it may become apparent that a child's test and report card grades are not reflecting his/her intelligence, ability or potential. The child doesn't seem to be grasping material, or s/he doesn't seem to stay focused on information long enough to absorb it. Alternatively, the child may do the work only to lose it or forget to hand it in on time.

Sometimes, there is a clear explanation, especially if this is not a typical scenario for the child. Perhaps the adjustment to a new grade or school is taking more time than anticipated. Or, perhaps an event or a difficult transition at home is the reason. Children's grades can decline when a parent is laid off, deployed in the military, or first separated from a spouse, for example. Often, though, lower than expected school performance is a pattern that has surfaced previously. Some parents have heard the same concerns from teachers before. Others find that despite numerous discussions -- both calm and heated -- with their children, the puzzling results don't change, or at least not in any lasting way. The right strategy to address the problem seems elusive.

So, the question arises: Should the child be evaluated? The biggest reservation parents seem to have is that their child will be labelled. Does s/he have a learning disability, an attention difficulty or a processing weakness? It's certainly hard to consider that one's child may have to deal with something beyond the parent's ability to change or fix.

Yet, consider the "side effects" of not getting an evaluation and of not identifying a problem that does exist. The child will be labelled, alternatively as "lazy," "dumb," or "rude." The child is then faced with adults' blame and frustration on an ongoing basis. Motivation and self-esteen can plummet. For the child, the information that s/he may have a learning disability, for example, can be a tremendous relief. It's not that s/he is stupid; adults can recognize that the child IS trying to learn.

Most importantly, the child, parent and teacher now have a basis for successful strategies and interventions. For the first time, the strategies will be targeting the underlying cause. As a result, they will have a real chance of making an impact.

Easing Parent-Child Homework Conflict

It's that time of year. School is in full swing, as are homework assignments, projects and tests. As pressure increases, conflicts between parents and children can intensify too. In this entry, I'd like to offer one strategy to deal with this challenge: Consider your child's working style. Will the idea of "getting it over with" motivate your child? Perhaps getting the "worst done first" will convince him/her to tackle the hardest assignment early in the process.

For some students, however, this approach will only increase the child's tendency to avoid homework. If you notice that the most difficult part of homework for your child is getting started, have him/her start with the task that is easiest to approach. This will be the assignment that the child is least likely to avoid. Once the process gets going, it can be much easier to ride the momentum started by a simple worksheet, for example.

Keep in mind that your approach may not work best for your child's studying style. You may prefer to tackle the "worst first," while your child may have trouble getting started and may need to start with the least stressful task. Help you child figure out what works for him/her.

Another question to have your child consider when doing homework is: What do I feel like I could do best right now? Is it a task involving problem solving like math or science? Is it reading a book or writing an essay? Or, perhaps they feel up to memorizing information from a social studies/history class. These tasks all require different types of thinking and varying degrees of focus. Help your child tune into where s/he feels most able to be productive at a given moment in time. Otherwise, it's easy to waste time and get frustrated attempting a task that one "should" do, but doesn't necessarily have the available energy to do.

According to an article that appeared in the Science Times (9/8/10) called “Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits,” Benedict Carey writes: "In recent years, cognitive scientists have shown that a few simple techniques can reliably improve what matters most: how much a student learns from studying. For instance, instead of sticking to one study location, simply alternating the room where a person studies improves retention. So does studying distinct but related skills or concepts in one sitting, rather than focusing intensely on a single thing." So, when studying for a test, one should vary how and where the material is learned. I've known students to sing facts as they learn them. Some like to walk around while they think or say information aloud.

Finally, if students are becoming anxious about tests or grades, show them how little one grade matters in the course of time. It can even be a fun way to demonstrate the concept of averages. If you have nine grades ranging from 76 - 82 with an average or 79 (C+), even a failing grade of 60 will only change the average by 2 points to 77 (still a C+)! It helps to keep the big picture in perspective - for both your child and yourself.

To Get Angry or Not To Get Angry (Part Two)

Let's look at additional instances when anger will not be sufficient to improve a child's behavior. If a child is having difficulty making a change, despite motivation to do so, a parent may feel helpless to make an impact. This frustration can lead to anger. The child may respond to this anger by becoming increasingly self-critical in a way that lowers self-worth. The focus should remain the behavior, not the child's sense of being a valued person.

There can be multiple reasons why a child may have difficulty changing behavior. Anxiety, for example, can lead a child to engage in habits or have reactions that seem irrational. Children who have certain learning disabilities may lack specific skills and behave inappropriately in social situations. Others with attention deficit issues may have good intentions but lack the impulse control to avoid behaviors that are problematic.

In these cases, and others like them, a parent's anger will be unlikely to improve the situation. In fact, children may eventually lose motivation to work on the behavior if they feel that, despite their efforts, the parent continues to be angry. Understanding a child's difficulties, in these situations, enables the parent to feel more empathy and patience.

If a child cannot meet our expectations, it's important to re-examine the expectations. Sometimes, they be can recast as goals to work toward rather than expected, immediate outcomes. Working with your child to help him/her meet these goals can both increase motivation and enhance the parent-child relationship.

To Get Angry or Not To Get Angry (Part One)

One of the prime triggers of parental guilt or self-doubt is anger. We may wonder if we become angry too quickly or too vehemently. We may question whether we should have more patience or whether we should express anger at all. We may wonder how we become so angry, particularly if we realize that our children have "pushed our buttons."

Certainly, if physical, verbal or emotional abuse accompanies anger, professional intervention is needed. In this entry, I will address anger that does not fall into this category. For all of us, there are times when our frustration outweighs our patience. We're human. Here's the good news: Not all anger is bad for our children. In fact, there are times that a parent's controlled expression of anger or displeasure teaches something valuable.

Let's look at some examples. When young children repeatedly grab things, push or hit others, a parent's anger may show children that they've crossed a line. Calmly explaining that these behaviors are not acceptable is a great approach if these behaviors are new, or if a young child is in a new stage of development. But, if no change follows, expressing anger in a firm tone of voice lets children know that their action causes a reaction. Saying "no hitting" with an angry look accomplishes this as well.

Conveying anger differs significantly from exploding with rage; screaming signal a loss of parental self-control. I'm a firm believer in apologizing to children as a way to model handling mistakes. If you lose control of your anger often, seek help.

There are times when anger, while inevitable, may be neither helpful nor instructive. Anger is typically ineffective when we want our kids to do something like clean a room or spend time on homework. Even if our frustration is justified and follows repeated requests, our child is unlikely to be motivated to increase cooperation in the future in the face of our anger alone. In these situations, the preferred strategy is to intervene early before our frustration spills over. After a first or second request is ignored, the parent can calmly set a limit, such as no computer time until the room is cleaned. Our anger often follows instances when we are trying too hard to be patient and give too many chances, Inadverntently, we create too many opportunities for our own frustration to build.